Another fucking loss, another person taken away by that fucking illness. Depression. I hate it with a passion I can’t describe. I see myself and other buckling often under it’s blows. This isn’t going to be a long diatribe about it or it’s effects on me. Just look at yourself and the way it affects you and dudes, that’s me and it’s them. It’s not weak to admit to suffering, many of the them and women I speak to are tough people, hard as nails. Many of them are reticent to speak and to share and that hurts me. We must open up to each other about it, talk and communicate, discuss this thing without any of the normal piss taking that goes on. I made a Toolkit ya know. About three or four years ago I sat down and worked everything out on how to best destroy this thing or to quiet it down a little at least and that’s the point where I am now. Dealing with it as best I can and ya know what? It’s good and positive, not perfect, not 100% but it works. I’ve written here about what I do and put it in bullet points

  1. Admit to it. The fucking hardest step you will ever take and this one is between you and yourself. You don’t have to talk to anyone about it, this is all you. Admit that you have a problem with depression and how it affects your day to day life. Sit down with a cup of tea and go through all the times our depression has stopped us going out to see friends, go for a meal, enjoy a book, enjoy anything at all. I did this, it was the first time I had admitted to myself that I had a problem, so now that problem is there. I visualised it sitting on the rug and it looked like a Virus, it was as large as a football and it stunk…it was breathing and it was looking at me with hate and violence with it’s bloodshot eyes. This thing was in me and part of me and it always will be. I looked at it and I started to hate it back. Step one done. Once you admit to it you can visualise it as a physical presence. If you are sitting down now gather all those depressive episodes you have had, every bad experience when you have held your head in your hands and wept. Gather them all up and put them in front of you. Mix them all up like you are making a cake on your lap. If you want to close your eyes and pretend you are moulding it in your hands like dough or something. Put everything into it. Ingredients of angst. Pour it all in and don’t leave any emotion out. Then throw it on the floor in front of you. Open your eyes. Look at it.
  2. Know your enemy. There it is sitting on the rug. It has tentacles now because it knows I am looking at it and I have pulled it from the recesses of my mind into the daylight. It looks disgusting. Like dog sick and hairballs, all slimey and gross. It’s eyes are bloodshot. One is cloudy and dim and that’s the one that looks at me now. It fucking hates me. What is it? Why is it affecting me this way? Everyones Monster will be different trust me. The monster is unique to you. You own it. Now you can show the Monster to anyone and they wont recognise it because it’s not theirs. The Monster is yours remember. Get on the internet and research it. Find out what your Monster is. When does it turn up, how it makes you feel, why it turns up. We learn about it because the only way to destroy the enemy is intelligence, research and knowledge. We find out that depression is a physical illness like Cancer and Covid. It is a Mind Virus.
  3. Destroy the Enemy. Now that we know it is some kind of Virus we look at the Monster in front of us. It might have shrunk a little and you have only been looking at it for ten minutes or so. Ten minutes and already the little fucker is scared. It’s shivering a bit because it’s not in those warm dark spaces in your mind where you feed it and look after it. It’s out in the daylight where it can’t hide any more. You may want to laugh at it at this point because it’s out of your head. Go on, laugh at it. Point at it. What a little wanker it is. A little ball of fucking wank. Now ask yourself why it controls you. This thing that looks like a cabbage. You may want to stand up now so you are taller than the Depression cabbage. Stare at it, make it uncomfortable. Call it a Little Wanker. It’s not going to do anything because its a wanker and it’s outside your head now and in the open. Take a good lungfull of air now. Really fucking breathe like you haven’t for a long time. Get that good air into your lungs. Straighten your back as you look at it. Pull your shoulders back, push your chest out. Time to fuck it up Ladies and Gentlemen.
  4. Punch it in the eye. Now you are up straight whack the fucking thing right in the eye. Visualise yourself whacking it. A good hard right hook. You see you are more than worth it. You are fucking brilliant. People love you deeply and that fucking thing on the floor is stopping you realise this. It tries to escape by pulling itself along by a tentacle, it’s trying to get under the chair. Tread on the tentacle. Don’t let it get away. Yes, you are beautiful and you never knew it. You are a good friend when the monster is asleep. You are entertaining and funny when the monster is asleep. You love and you are loved… when the monster is asleep. You are good at your job, you are valuable, you are an asset, you are a good person…when the monster is asleep. You notice it’s eye is leaking where you whacked it. Don’t have any feelings of compassion with it. It is part of you but it is not you. Its making strange sounds now, little squeaks and mewls. It’s shapeless mouth trying to make sounds…but it can’t because it’s not in you at the moment. It’s outside you. This is the little bastard that when you are looking in the mirror ready to go out says shitty horrible things. You are ugly, your hair looks shit, you are fat/thin, you are a waste of space, no one likes you. It makes you eat shit food because you are shit. It makes you fucking horrible because it tells you that you are horrible. You start drinking a lot because when you drink the voice gets quieter and you feel free from it for a bit. But the alcohol makes you feel more shit and that’s why the Monster goes quiet. You are doing it’s job for it.
  5. Kick it in the balls. It’s balls are dangling out of it. They are like a pair of Walnuts. Draw your leg back and boot it in the bollocks. This is where we reach out. Who are your friends? What are they like? Who has spoken to you today? Who has sent you a text? Who do you always go to the football with? Who visits you? These people are your strength. These people are your medicine. Spend more time with these people. Not the cool people you want to be friends with, who you think should be your friends but the people who really look after your interests. The ones that always get a spare ticket and you are the first to be offered it. The dudes who ask you where you are and always have a pint ready for you when you walk into the pub. The ones that want your opinion on things. Take this time as an opportunity to sort your mates out. Make a list of them. Good on one side and bad on the other. Now concentrate on the good ones. These are the people you should be talking to. Forget the others. They feed the virus. You don’t need them.
  6. Smash it in the teeth. Left hook. It shrieks. Who are you today? Who were you yesterday? Positive things only. Have you made someones day today? Have you been a good friend? Through life we are like a team of Football players and the players should be excellent in what they do so we formulate a team made up of all the things we are today and not the negative team we were yesterday. We build the team like Bruno is doing with Wolves. So we want players who can play, players who are technically brilliant. For players read acts that make us better people. Make sure everything or almost everything you do is a positive thing. Have some empathy with others, start to make yourself a better person through acts of kindness. Start to listen to people and learn about them, utilise all the aspects of what makes them great to make yourself great. Treat these little aspects of what makes these people great as applications you can download to your own mind to make the life experience scroll through our lives as seamlessly as we possibly can.
  7. Poke it in the eye. Our mind Virus isn’t doing too well. It’s leaking a bit and is totally blind now. Time to sort your shit out. This means a number of things and it’s all you. Forget about all the wrongs in the world and all the negative shit. This is the mind virus affecting how you see the world. A good way to deal with this is to halt negative shit from entering your mind. Social Media is a good place to start this process. Block people and accounts that make you feel crap. It’s simple. Just block, remove and mute. Get rid of them. Turn off the TV News. Stop reading about Politics and World events. Start following positive people, people who create things, people who laugh often. Start thinking of the information you absorb as bad fast food crawling in maggots. You wouldn’t eat it so stop chewing over it. Your body and mind is really a beautiful place. Clean it out. Extrapolate that to your personal space. Tidy your house as you would your mind. Sort your crap out. Put it back in it’s place. Get a duster and some polish and go on a mad cleaning spree. Don’t leave anything untouched or uncleaned. Your mind is affected by environment. The Mind Virus thrives on mental and physical disorder. Do not give it an environment in which it will be strong.
  8. Rip it’s tentacle off. It’s a little hard and slimy you can’t quite get a grip. But hold tight and pull. Then ‘pop’ it comes off. Chuck it away. Now the little fucker can’t escape. Honesty. It’s a fucking hard road. The mind virus thrives on your personal fictions, your bullshit. It gives the virus a fertile bed to grow. People should love you for being just yourself. You may not have a glamour job, you may be broke most the time, your car is a bit shit, you don’t have the latest Wolves shirt. No one fucking cares. Really, honestly, no one gives a shit. If they judge you by what you own and do for a living them they are people you shouldn’t be throwing your energy at. True positive people will love you for what you are not what you have or have planned for your life. So stop the lies and bollocks you spout. It’s time for being honest. The mind virus thrives in the darkness of your bullshit. Deprive it of this energy.
  9. Boot it up the wall. Drag your leg back and fucking Ruben Neves that thing off the wall. You hit it, it’s a sweet shot, toe bunter. It shrieks as it flies through the air and squidges up the wall. It’s fucking wailing now this mind virus. Have a laugh at it. You see you are fucking brilliant really. That little depressing voice is something we all have. We all have a mind virus inside us and it is part of us whether we like it or not. Some peoples Virus is a quiet timid thing with a voice that weedy it sounds like the Ultras section at Palace away. The way we deal with that voice depends on the tools we have to deal with it. But we all have it. As it is part of us we can also utilise the mind virus for good positive things. You see it always lies. It can never tell the truth. So you can look in the mirror and when that Tshirt you bought looks a bit tight and your tits are sticking out it will call you a fat useless bastard. Perhaps you are a bit overweight, but that can be sorted out by eating a bit healthier. It can be sorted out by going for a short jog around the park. Perhaps you are a scruffy bastard but that’s ok too. Put a shirt on, wear some shoes instead of trainers, comb your hair. Be nice to people and you will be shocked how nice people are back. It doesn’t matter if they are ignorant back because they are on their own journey and that journey isn’t yours. Don’t let peoples negativity affect you. They are Vampires, they use your energy for their own nefarious purposes. Don’t give them your energy. Pass them by, be the water not the rock. Rocks get worn away by the fact they are immobile and in one place. Be the water instead and flow around problems by being flexible and honest in the way you deal with the world.

That’s my toolkit for my depression. That is how I get on in the world. This mad insane world. Some of you might find something useful in this blog. I hope so. It breaks my heart when people struggle, I don’t like it. You all have something to give in this world. I want to find out what it is. I want to know your world so I can make mine a better place and one less person to talk with and share experiences is a loss I don’t want. The Mind Virus is shivering in fear so I pick it up and put it back inside my head. There will be times when it is strong and it starts to peck away at my mind again because it is part of me and part of all of us. But when we know what it is that voice it has that wheezes at you in the early mornings will be quieter and not as loud. Share your fucking experiences, talk to people, if they don’t listen then find someone who will. Talk to me, I promise I will drop everything to help you and in turn for you to help me. We need each other to get through this mad life and no one gets through it without help. Be as strong as you can but when you can’t be strong then someone, somewhere will stretch out a hand I promise.