Nuno The Alchemist

As I write this piece we are ready to start our 20-21 season in the Premier League. It’s our third season. The tricky third album syndrome really. As we have prepared well I am again expecting another season of weird, wonderful and fully scary shit to happen. But I am happy with the way the transfer window has gone. It’s always a dodgy time for fans on any football club to ascertain whether or not the aspirations of yourself (Mr Doughnut) are matched by the club you tend to support. I watch other teams mosh around flinging cash money at players I’ve never heard of or don’t like very much. I laugh extremely loudly at the some the players our fanbase and the media think we have a chance at grabbing hold of. Oxbarn Chambermaid? Really? He’s a bit fat and unfit…can’t see him playing here. That Maitland whatever can piss off as well from Arsenal…I mean I don’t think he’s a thing anyway. He’s an Arsenal doughnut through and through it’s probably just agent noise

But you know, I’m not as critical of choices and behaviours any more. I can see why people lose their heads over targets or lack of. People were fighting over bog roll a few months ago. Now the social implications of this virus are becoming more clear by the day. Everybody hates everybody else and now it’s not hidden by the busy day to day bustling around to work or taking the kids to school. It’s laid bare by adults sitting in front of social media or the BBC and sucking up that shit like it’s the last dregs of a can of Carling. That hate is coming out, that angst is pure and virile. A thumb twitching over a touch screen as the propaganda oozes out of your device. You feel bereft of the information you need because a lot of the information just makes you feel angry and tense. Politics, racial unrest, the climate…signings.

Fosun and the Molineux hierarchy are a subject that tends to interest me more than the players we have signed. Who knew their names? Who knew anything about them before they landed outside Untouchables clutching their armfuls of Solar powered Gnome lights, crap garden ornaments and Gorilla glue STICKS ANYTHING! Nothing my friends, nothing at all. Which is why…really, most of the plethora of new Wolves blogs and News accounts are worth less than a Gnats dick to me. There ain’t going to be anything coming out of Fosun they don’t want us to know. Fosun are like the Jesuits in Hugo Boss suits and instead of Black bibles it’s all iPad and iPhone bollocks clutched tightly and tapped upon incessantly. If any of their Chinese staff talk about anything to anybody their families would probably be shot back in China. Not judging anything of course. All global business has to have a streak of nasty, it’s a prerequisite for domination. That’s what Uncle Jeff wants, that’s what Fosun want. They want to make money and lots of it, they also want power over the game which you can only gather if you are right at the very top of the system. Fosun aren’t likely to be content rubbing elbows with the rest of the European also rans competing for trough space. Fosun want their own fucking trough mate.

Thing is…Fosun are an arm of the Chinese Government and if not an arm then at least a finger. The doctrines of business that rattle around the corridors of power in China are also reflected almost perfectly in the way Wolves now do their business. Quietly with soft footfalls. Fosun come in the dead of night pulling you half asleep from bed and before you know it you’re fighting for a handful of rice in THE KILLING FIELDS! Nah jokes, This transfer business is done with meticulous planning. The overtures that Wolves have made to attract these young players must have been epic. We love Wolves of course but if I had a few million quid I wouldn’t be living here mate, I’d be in the mountains of Wales with a guitar and a pencil and paper writing beautiful bluegrass songs….again. This meticulous planning is pure secrecy that would probably put the Vatican archives to shame in it’s complexity and value. Perhaps I’m stretching the point a bit but these transfers have taken time and planning. I bet their were a few sticky moments but they came through. Out of the blue and into the Gold and Black.

But we can tick boxes. Young, fresh agile minds, open to new ideas…not really understanding Nunos Philosophy yet but that will start to be trickled into their Squirrel heads slowly and surely with lots of time to go back and refresh what it actually was that Nuno and his team want them to do. Tick those boxes yes. Others? Investment, yes. These are players that will be worth tens of millions of pounds in the future. They have the hair and teeth, the nice skin, the good looks required, the ability to boot a ball where they want it to go too. Yes, Fosun know all that stuff and we’ve talked about it and blown enough smoke up Jeffs arse it’s a wonder the Fire brigade ain’t around his yard every five minutes. Fosuns mouths shut faster than Steve Morgans wallet. I still can’t forgive Grant fucking Holt or GROLT as I called him turning up at Molineux. How we weren’t relegated that season… well Helder Costa you little beauty. Thank you. I remember some doughnut at Compton waxing fat lyrics about what a great Coach Paul Lambert is. How we laughed, inside of course. Outside we just nodded, sagely.

We should be in Sheffield of course. Getting arseholed and a bit lairy (as ya do) so I’m sad that we wont be there but perhaps it’s a good job as I said earlier people are a lot more angry these days. There would probably be a riot at some point. This season is going to be very very strange my friends. Stranger than you could ever imagine. I rest easy because Fosun instigated one of the most stringent Covid protection systems onto the Wolves infrastructure I’ve seen. They’ve even put our Government to shame (which isn’t hard I know but…).

We have done excellent work in keeping our current team and I would bet a few worthless coins that this work actually took harder work than getting in our new signings. I wonder how many phone calls Jeff took from other clubs after Traore or Jimenez, Neves, Coady etc etc? I bet there were a few interested clubs in fact I bet there were loads. Then of course the players themselves would be tempted…maybe a little. Maybe Nuno was the reason many of them stayed. I read that Nunos future was sorted out with Uncle Jorge at a meeting in London which took a few hours. I bet it was just a paper exercise to be honest. I tell you now that keeping Nuno here would have been a campaign and a half from Fosun promising Nuno that all hands were at the oars to get Wolves to a position where the Club would match Nunos ideas blow for blow. Nuno of course knows he isn’t going anywhere yet. What club would he arrive at with his ideas with that club (if it’s a top European side or Premier side) when most of the top clubs are now “Managed” via committee? I don’t see Nuno being supported as well as he is at Wolves. Fosun take a back seat when the lights are shining and the fireworks are singeing the the hair of the crowd in the John Ireland stand. If Uncle Jeff was that way inclined he would be out on the pitch every game waving like a drowning man with that strange smile he has like he’s kidnapped your family and you will do what he wants or else. Wolves are now in Nunos blood and Nunos blood runs in our veins too I suspect. We have been through too much, maybe Nuno knows this. Wolves are his club like it is ours. I hope he makes a few million so when he does go back home he can buy his own boat to fish off as he quaffs fine wines and Cuban cigars in the sun…I hope he thinks about us sometimes in the freezing rain waiting for the 559 Bus that doesn’t seem to be coming. Nuno uses stadiums as mixing bowls for what he requires as an end product. Look at new players as finer ingredients as he mixes and cajoles new substance out of the pot. Look forwards to last seasons players being galvanised by the new bloods. There will be subtle differences of course but with that Gold and Black football madness always at the forefront of the method. Alchemy for sure and I’ll stop there before I go off on a tangent again.

Yes, this season is going to be very weird indeed. I feel lost if I’m honest. On the one hand early on, a few months ago I was destitute at the thought of not seeing my team. I threw my dummy out of the pram. I didn’t want to talk Wolves at all, it didn’t interest me, fuck football, it’s ruined anyway with VAR, and what the fuck is it to do with us anyway. Petulance, same as the doughnuts who moan on social media about the shirts or the tickets or whatever fuck else we can think about. We are all prone to it. But maybe there are ways to keep the impetus going while games are played behind closed doors. Maybe this virus will piss off at some point and we can go back and be knobheads at the footy again. I hope so. But in the meantime, stay in contact with the people you know at football. Ask how they are doing and what they are up to. Forge new relationships if you can. But keep thinking about Wolves and what we are about. Remember we are the greatest club in the World bar none, forget about the Europa and league positions just remember who the fuck you are so that when we are all elbowing and coughing at all and sundry on the way into the Southbank we actually understand why we are walking back into the ground.

As much as Fosuns flashy media videos reverberate and clang through your head like the aftermath of a few E’s it’s us that are Wolves, not the fireworks and the razzmatazz, not the videos, not the bullshit. It’s us, the great unwashed that actually live here and work here, die here too I suppose. When we play tonight watch the fucking thing, invite your mates around and who gives a fuck how many, fill your house, make it something…just make sure none of them are coughing and have a certificate of health or something.

Sheffield United are old foes. Yorkshire as a whole can suck my dong. I’m not convinced by anything United have shown me over the past couple of seasons. I don’t care about their Coach and I don’t care about their team only that they stand in the way of us getting three points on the deck to start with. Lolbion lost against Leicester. Much hilarity to start and everything has started off on the best footing. Now Nuno is going to show us a few things this season. It might be a bit hairy to be honest. 3rd season. The vibes will be different and things will flow on the pitch a little differently. It may take a little bit of time for our new dudes to bed in and hopefully be firing on all cylinders once the horde of six fingered freaks from North Birmingham turn up dribbling and gnashing their fucking green teeth. Hope so any way. God bless, good luck tonight lads.


13 responses to “Nuno The Alchemist”

  1. Hi Mikey,

    I really did believe those Twitter rumours that you were dead and was just about to cancel my Patreon subscription!

    Great to have you back mate particularly during these strange times.

    Top blog on your return too.


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