Petalengro V Horace


So in these times of terror/boredom perhaps you would like to listen to a couple of hours of me and Horace waxing about the Championship promotion season. Never before uploaded or heard by anybody including me, I just pressed record and off we went. Enjoy! Disclaimer…any allusion to ‘violence’ or ‘criminal acts’ or allegations of ‘groping or sexual misconduct’ are there purely for entertainment purposes. In fact I wasn’t even there…I hate football… but I may have groped you tbh.

Notes From The Front Line: When Sheep Become Dogs



Are we still alive? Things are getting heated out there aren’t they? Things are getting a little tetchy. Now don’t get me wrong there are thousands of us that have a great stoical and quintessentially English way of skirting around natural and unnatural disasters. We put the kettle on a lot and ‘um and ar’ over events. We tend to stand in queues, be patient, we tend to observe hysterical behaviour with a sniff and an increase in the distance between you and ‘them’. But the Sheep are becoming Dogs. I have witnessed some very rude people this past couple of days.

I have spent much time this week helping out a few people who need things fetching and carrying as any touch of this fucking virus will have them jed as a doornail in double quick time. So I have spent time in shops, social distancing myself, doing what the Government has asked me to do. I have been a good subject. I know things are weird as fuck and people are getting nervous. I’ve seen it. Perhaps, as well, people are scared. But being scared doesn’t mean your behaviour has to deteriorate to a point where you become uncivilised. Sheep are everywhere in normal day to day life. They are the people that clog paths and shop aisles as they ruminate over things they wish to spend their money on. These people have a lacklustre sheen over their eyes. They are the ones who never indicate in their cars. They are the people that park badly or on paths so you have to squeeze past. They are the people that (if) they aren’t cramming shit in their mouths every five minutes to chew on they get ‘hungry’. They get annoyed too, that certain events are stopping them from nurturing the most important thing in their lives, and that important thing is themselves. I had to step in a few times when in shops to gently persuade certain shoppers that their language and behaviour is not what is required. Especially when they are abusing shop staff who are running their employers business to help out members of the public who require essentials. God bless these workers and I mean that. The shit they have to put up with is ridiculous. Some bint yesterday with eyebrows like Groucho Marx and a fanny that probably looked like the Elephant Mans armpit started kicking off in a shop I was in. She was like an attack Dog berating the staff who hustled around doing the best they good under extremely dangerous and trying circumstances. They weren’t prepared to say anything but I was and did…in the best way I can. I know people are scared and fearful and I know that fear turns into aggression which in turn can take a bullying and shitty groove. Be fucking nice. Be fucking polite until this thing is over and you can get back to being a generally selfish horrible bastard that you normally are.

But when people are aggressive it normally means they are scared and they don’t quite understand how to deal with those feelings especially when the ‘fear’ is a resounding ‘what the fuck is going on in the world’. Everybody should try to be nice for a while, it’s a shit enough situation without adding more shit.

One of the funniest things I’ve seen this week is the infamous ‘Gaz Mastic’ trotting around the ends wearing a mask he made himself from a disposable nappy via a video he watched on YouTube or ‘You Tuwab’ as he calls it. My laughs were deep and rolling as he came towards me going ‘stay back Mikey social distancing ay it, I don’t want to ‘ketch’ anything’. I couldn’t speak to be honest. The nappy was held together with an old shoelace and packing tape and to be fair wasn’t a brilliant job especially as it was on top of his head as Gaz was trying to keep his roll up lit. 

In Wolves news Raul has waxed a few lyrics about wanting to stay at Wolves. Aside from the familiar glowing love grooves I felt when I read that I also think it’s for the best. There are many things here for Raul to get his teeth into at Wolves. One of them is something I have spoken about at length. The evolution of our football club that has grown from the simple narrative of point gathering and honour chasing to a definite Philosophy that incorporates a trinity of factors. Fosun/Nuno and us. Here Raul sees things that other clubs lack and he wants some of this madness, he needs to have his football underpinned by something more than just a transfer merry go round where riches fall into his lap as he himself becomes a viable buy and an attractive purchase for clubs around Europe. You will have your chance to shine on a greater stage than the Premier League and Europa League that much is sure Raul me old mucka. You keep scoring goals and under that Philosophical Trinity you will reach stratospheric heights I’m sure. But as this Virus Event ticks on through what remains of our season the important factor is that Raul and company stay focussed and stay fit and I suspect that having that Philosophy at Wolves will act as a foundation or an inspiration for our team to stay sharp and motivated.

I wouldn’t be surprised to see Nuno and his staff using this period and lack of inertia as a time to take stock of what they actually achieved so far in the project. A time maybe to stand a bit further back and have a look at the ‘thing’ they have built here. This will be a positive act for they will have a much clearer idea of how they want to evolve in the years to come in a footballing sense any way. As much as I deride Klopp and Guardiola you can see that their success albeit bankrolled with cash money is underpinned by their own slightly warped Philosophy and football in the future will be changing to accommodate those new ideas. We can attract new players with it and keep our current squad too. Again I expect the rest of the season to be played behind closed doors with nobody there to watch except on the telly. Maybe this whole Virus thing will change football as we know it forever once the dust has settled and the data is in ready to be picked over. I can see international travel now having some biometric element to ensure that every travelling fan has the requisite vaccinations stamped in their passports as well as some element of their medical history being available for the perusal of unsmiling Immigration men at airports etc. We used to moan about loyalty points remember? Now it will be jabs. People on Twitter bragging about how many Yellow Fever injections they are away from a free Wolves mug. 

But as the world changes we have to remember to be human beings as well. I am missing the football and the madness of our team in the Premier League. I am missing my friends as well. I will be glad when this bollocks is all over and done with, perhaps it will never be done with and we will have to deal with new disasters and the changes they provoke. Will be football ever be the same?

Notes From The Front Line: Sky Samosas


Quiet ay it? Am we still alive? Eerie and quiet on the streets around my ends any way. All the old bastards are crossing the road so they don’t have to talk to you and they don’t get Bat Aids. Every cloud has a silver lining, there’s only so many conversations about hanging baskets and empty supermarket shelves you can have. Now of course the situation has warranted great sweeping Government declarations about ‘exclusion zones’ and ‘Isolation’ crap like that…apparently anyway, I haven’t got a clue as I haven’t got a phone, I don’t watch TV and I’m uploading this off the lovely Jo’s internet, she lives across the road. I’m untouched by any propaganda unleashed by the Government thank fuck. I mean remember…it’s the governmentz, they always tell lies. I’m still waiting for the David Kelly murder to be sorted, then the Novichok Nerve agent story…then maybe Epstein. I’m not holding me breath though. But the weird thing is the dreams I’m having…

Last night I was joining in the throng of supporters outside Molineux. It was like one of those Ethiopian famine food distribution films. All grasping, fighting for a handful of rice…or a bog roll if it’s the UK hahahaha.  I don’t know whether or not a match was on just that there was a lot of people milling around. It was like a match day. Busy. I suspect that there was food available a Bat Aids vaccine, because that was the zeitgeist of the dream, slightly threatening, a bit angsty. Then as the crowd gathered outside the Superstore, in the sky a gentle ‘whup whup whup’ of Rotor blades. From the clouds descended a Gold and Black Chinook helicopter with a massive Wolves head on it. We all started to cheer and sing songs, holding our hands up to the chopper. Then as it got lower we saw someone in the doorway. That beard, that Golden Turban yes, it was Manny Singh and we all sang his name out and he started to throw handfuls of golden Samosas into the grasping hands of the crowd below. They filled the sky, there were thousands of them. Children were smiling, men laughed with mouth fulls of crumbly pastry and the odd pea and onion. Manny ar. His beard was whipping around like a crackheads eye in someones shed. Then Manny leaned out of the doorway hanging onto a bit of rope and shouted through a loud hailer “Don’t give Petalengro any! He ay got enough Loyalty points!” he shouted. Then the crowd started to boo and hiss at me as I had shoved two or three in my pockets for ‘Ron’ and the other I was cramming in my face. For fucks sake…the other day I swore I saw Conor Coady wrestling with a load of Amazon boxes in the back of a white van outside the house. Cold Turkey this is mate. All that sexy football slathered all over us for a good part of the year then it’s yanked away just like that. At least the Italians have free Pornhub…I wonder how long it will take to fap through the standards and they get to GILF Lesbians. Makes you think. Those Italian dudes will be coming out of their Council Villas with massive right arms and a new respect for Grannies. 

Now the footballing zeitgeist is flowing this way and that. Stories are flying around everywhere as to whether or not the season will be started again, whether or not the points will be tallied up and used to conclude the season. The Euros are off, the Olympics, Europa League might still be played…it’s all in flux, all change by the minute. Wolves are wondering whether or not to stop group training sessions at Compton. Now that’s a serious issue of course. How do you keep twenty odd blokes combat ready? How do you offer them an ‘out’? Without a game? The team must be going off their tits being stuck in their funky but ultimately soulless apartments dotted around the nicer ends of Wolvo.

Being a Pro-Athlete means you don’t really have the time to nurture other interests and hobbies to fill the void that a lack of football can bring. I think that’s why you get footballers from other clubs doing Nox balloons and fucking stupid videos of them chonging the arse off some tart they picked up in a club where the drinks haven’t got a price list. They have a void for sure but so do we…but them? Keeping themselves physical and edgey is going to be hard. I think Moutinho should be waxing some mature lyrics to some of the other players especially the younger ones. Maybe it’s a good time to work on those areas of their games they fancy working on. Maybe pinging things with their left feet or the weaker one. Maybe seeing how high they can jump. Jesus Christ I don’t know I’m not a Coach but they need something and fast.

Now you wont see Wolves players doing any of the above crap on Instagram. The Fosun groove and the Nuno stuff means that weird dysfunctional crap like balloons ain’t going to be an issue…but there is a definite kick down of gears and it’s going to leave our heroes in a very weird place for some time. Add to that particular madness some of the rumours going around the streets and social media and it’s a wonder people haven’t had full on meltdowns. I’m always an Observer, that’s what I do best just observe and report. I’ve seen a few fist fights in Aldi and Boots, I’ve watched two fat chicks rolling around the car park at Bentley bridge pulling each others weaves out, I watched someone get run over outside Pure Gym. Chaos and madness my friends. Over fuck all really. I know a few people that have had ‘symptoms’ and they are having a bloody good moan about it which means that it’s not too bad for them. Others are waxillating lyrics of pure full fat wax about rumours. People floating dead in the canal by New Cross Hospital, people dead in their cars in the car park, thousands of dead…oh man you name it and I’ve heard the rumour. This Bat Aids thing is drawing out the fucking crazies for sure.

But on the one hand Fosun seem to have got a handle on the whole thing. This morning Uncle Jeff has given the medical staff of New Cross a lorry full of safety gear, masks etc. That’s nice of him isn’t it? Good PR shit too. I’m glad nobody at the club started to round up a few players for a photo opportunity, masked up, rubber gloves, gurning at the camera. Uncle Jeff is rapidly becoming a sort of Father Xmas character to us Wolverhamptonites. Sexy expensive football players, masks, PPE gear. I’m half expecting to look out of my bedroom window one of the mornings and see Jeff walloping the Hover Mower around for me in the garden. Fair play Jeff. In fact he’s been around a lot over the past couple of weeks our Jeff…thinking about it any way. Hadn’t seen anything for months and then three come along at the same time. 


Notes From The Frontline: Jeff Shi Speaks


Are we all dead yet? Well the Footy is done and dusted so for many people they might as well be jed to be honest. I’m in many minds about the whole show and I’m yet to make any kind of judgement whether or not it was the right call by the relevant authorities. You see you can’t make ‘knee jerk’ judgements at this early stage in the whole Bat Aids conundrum. You have to wait until the dust (or the snot) has settled and then look to see if you have made the right calls. Until then of course all we can do is moan about it…which is free, and nobody will take much notice any way because of all the things we doughnuts do well, it’s moan. It’s not going to go away any time soon but we are in a good place footbally wise, at least our team is. I bet Fosun was privy to all the relevant Corona narrative that slowly unwound in Wuhan over January and are at the forefront of analysis ‘Post Infection’ too, now that new cases in China are dropping very quickly. So Fosun will have their hands on all the data one way or another and if Fosun have the information then maybe it’s good to listen to Uncle Jeff Shi if he has some rhymes he wants to share with us. 

Uncle Jeff Shi is making all the right noises for sure. I’m surprised he managed to prise himself away from his work to wax Corona based lyrics to all and sundry connected with the club as to the tactics Fosun are prepared to use to address  some of the ‘Unknown unknown’  narratives that are flying around Wolverhampton at the moment especially when it involves highly contagious mental freak outs about Bog Roll, pasta and hand gel stuff.

It was a good bit of work by Uncle Jeff of course because as we know it’s not easy for someone used to the rigid information dissemination processes of China to speak about something as volatile (emotionally) as viral death possibilities. Sino-YamYam relationships will remain on good terms of course because as Wolves fans all we want is for the team to be OK and for everybody else connected with the club to be ‘orite’ and be ready to kick off when the green light comes on to signal a continuation of the insanity that is Wolves in the Premier League. I’m super impressed with Jeff Shi and his reaction to these mad events. He’s showed more leadership over the past few days than Local Government have since this Bat Aids thing started. Jeff is rapidly becoming the sort of bloke we tend to look at to sort things out for us, make things seem normal again. The Jeff Shi narrative is wholesome and good, confident and assured. I cast a few thought shapes about what would happen if Moxey and Morgan were still in charge…then I shudder like someone has walked over my grave.

Nuno too has responded in exactly the way we wanted him to. Cool calm and collected. The only problem he has is whether or not the team is in that Zone too. When you have a handful of players you have invested tens of millions of pounds in then the utmost priority is to look after them for sure. If that means driving over the Flakies that flutter and flab around the gates of Compton wanting autographs and shit then fair enough. Dirty sticky hands full of germs, sticky half chewed pens, spindled and mutilated programmes all shoved through the window of a players car and there you go. A 25 million pound investment probably out of action for a few months or if you read the Literature a possibility that a players lung function can be compromised permanently. That means they will possibly never play again. What a fucking shit show this whole thing is. If I was Jeff I would be using Fosun Dollar to build an under mountain complex under the Clee Hills for when another virus kicks in. It would be great I’m sure kind of like the Bond Villain HQs full of Chinese dudes in hard hats and overalls razzing around doing nefarious tasks for Guang Gwanglechong who zips about in his motorised evil throne of world domination. Jeff wants us all to be safe and that’s cool but remember…dead people can’t spend money at Molineux. So if you see a player or Nuno shopping or doing human type stuff in the environment don’t rush up and get your germ ridden appendages all over them, give them some space eh? Don’t infect the team and for fucks sake don’t infect The Nuno. 

I talked a bit last article about the League getting zapped into an inertia less void of postponed games and a lack of any real idea what to do so I was quite surprised that a few days later the decision had been made to dump part of the season. But what of the whys and wherefores? What is going to happen? Now I’m not going to wax about the ways the FA can jiggle and joggle dates to make sure the season is finished as other people have done a far better job. My gut feeling is that we wont see any more football this season and maybe everything will start up in August again as normal. But will that mean that Fosun will wrangle down the gears and chill out for a bit? No, not really. I suspect that as soon as the epidemic in Wuhan started to grow horns then the gentle click and clack of the planning algorithms at Fosun Towers started to adjust and plan too. I wouldn’t be surprised if Jeff and Company at Molineux discussed the possibilities of a pandemic back in December. I don’t really know of any other club in England that would have had any kind of initial planning that early. But I know a dude who tapped his nose at me when I asked him how early Fosun knew about the Bat Aids apocalypse. Nuno would have been briefed early on hence his reticence to play that Olympiakos tie. All madness and all chaos…but Fosun and Nuno have Wolves in the right place with the right structures in place to make sure we come out of this insanity in one piece…probably stronger. 

In YamYamland of course things are typical Wolverhampton. Some people are losing their shit, some people are concerned and some people aren’t massively bothered. It’s a whole mish mash of emotions which translate to empty shelves in Aldi etc and some minor chaos in other shops. All the hypochondriacs I know have ‘Corona’ and have took the fortnight off. Good chance to catch up on a few jobs around the house I suppose. But the real problem for most Wolves fans is that ‘Wolves’ and ‘Wolvesing’ will be off the agenda for the foreseeable future and that will leave a big void for some and that void will be unfilled because all they do is Wolves and the Club is a very big hole to fill. But what a great opportunity to do other things, maybe get a new hobby, start the long road to getting fit maybe, metal detecting is interesting, or do a course in Plumbing at Bilston College. ‘Piss Bag’ Pete my mate down the canal is going to quit drinking (he told me yesterday) and today he was passed out by Devils elbow bridge with a few Early Flies buzzing around his head and a look of pure contentment on his grizzled face. 

I see Patrick Cutrone has contracted Bat Aids. His woes are piling up after slicing some negative paragraphs Nunos way. It is how it is. Negativity breeds negativity I suppose. If he had put his head down here and not acted like a truculent child he would have had a space in the Clee hill Survival complex with the rest of the team eating Ortolans and drinking alcohol free champagne while watching the world burn on plasma screens screwed to the walls. 

But now I hope that the Fosun Algorithms are maybe still talking to players they want to attract in the Summer. Maybe they are talking to other targets having re-forcasted available finances for the squeeze that will come after the Apocalyptic dust has settled and the Lizards start stirring again in their nests of cash money. Like I said before, great opportunity to get Adamas shoulder sorted out with some of those whacky stem cell sessions they do in Mexico. It would be a great opportunity to flatten the Steve Bull stand too…maybe. Get a bit of redevelopment done in the dog days of viral pandemia. 

I suspect the chaos and madness is just starting to be honest and there is going to be a lot more insanity before this whole thing has blown over. My advice is to keep your heads down, don’t read or watch too much news, keep your eye on your friends and family. As I watched Pissbag Pete to see if he was still breathing he cocked one eye open at me…

‘I won £100 on the Gambler in the Spread Eagle, I pissed it up the wall day I’ and he went back to sleep. Fair play to him.

Notes From The Frontline – Bat Aids and Olympiakos



‘Notes From The Front Line’ is where I’m going to wax about the wider subjects in football…modern football. There are only so many ways you can throw down fat honey sweet lyrics about Wolves before you start to repeat yourself. I have other things to say and it’s positive to get them off your chest. 

This Flying Bat Aids Virus thing is shit isn’t it? Everybody has panic bought all the shit roll in Poundstretcher. Half the people I watched buying bog roll in bulk looked like they couldn’t reach their arses yet alone wipe them. As an aside…why do fat people drive so fast? Bog rolls. I mean it’s funny because people losing their minds over mundane half truths and acting like 12 year old kids reminds me of how the insanity of Social Media is bleeding through into our own reality now. The lines are getting blurry. I watched this woman empty the shelf of Pot Noodles and then look at me with a look of victory, almost animal triumph that she had dumped them all in her basket. I had to laugh. All I had was some Fairy Lights that were on offer. I will see out the Bat Aids Apocalypse in the gentle twinkling of LEDs.

So because THE VIRUS is a thing we don’t get to watch football and that isn’t funny. I suspect they will cut the season off at the knees and cancel all future fixtures. Fuck knows what the Lizards and the Money Changers at the English FA will think about that. Some money is going to get tanked for sure. I guess some of the Governments money will be sliding to placate those particular pains though. But fucking hell the Chinese didn’t fuck about did they? Either they have got on top of the whole thing or they are telling porky pies. I think it’s a mixture of both to be honest. Everything is hysterical and mental. We are all losing it. I didn’t know I knew so many Virus Experts. Even one of the girls in Aldi started waxing scientific lyrics. I think I pulled the same face I pulled when I watched Nathan Judah and that other bloke with hair like a Nightclub carpet talking about the Brighton match. They grabbed a few Flakies to moan at the camera a bit which was funny. But what did we expect from Brighton? They couldn’t get a semi on about anything. They just flop about and your mind starts wandering and you start looking at the dandruff in the blokes hair in front of you. Brighton can piss off. Brighton fans look like the fucking lunatics in the background at Antique Roadshow, all vacant stares not quite wondering what’s happening. Waiting for the bloke to say what it’s worth and nodding, smiling at mucho cash and looking like they’ve trod in dogshit when Nans vase is worth £3.

Nuno doesn’t want to play in Greece. I don’t blame him. The squad have to be kept away from THE INFECTED. Flying over to there isn’t a good idea and Nuno was right. There’s no point in playing football if there’s nobody there to watch it. Conor Coady isn’t happy either. He’s got babbies to think about and I think if he had decided to say bollocks to Greece and shut his front door for a couple of weeks then fair play. I mean we are all adults aren’t we? We can deal with the season being kicked in the bin? I mean, if they nullified all results this season and started fresh next season Liverpool wouldn’t be Champions. How funny would that be? Scousers would have a fucking meltdown of all meltdowns. They would never let anybody forget their pain, it would roll down the years generation after generation…the banners will be a sight. 

Suffice to say whatever happens it won’t benefit us in anyway. By us I mean the Punters. We are on our own pretty much. The big clubs (us included) will absorb the pain and rearrange plans. I wonder how it will affect stadium building and team acquisitions? I think our placid acceptance of exponential Wolves growth may have to be looked at again in light of this Bat Aids pandemic. Shit will change for sure, for us and for everybody else. It may be that a few clubs like Aston Villa and North Birmingham Albion may find it a bit rough. Shame. Walsall, I hope they are OK because their fans make me laugh. 

Neto has just equalised against Olympiakos. Now come on man. You can’t postpone the return leg please. I don’t really care whether I get Bat Aids. I want to watch Wolves play some more European Football…and probably win it too. The game is hard to watch. There is no passion in any of it really. This is what happens when you take away the crowd. We are football. What’s the point of life if you aren’t allowed to live it? Everything on this planet will kill us all at some point, Volcanoes, Hurricanes, Earthquakes, disease, famine, Dixie Chicken, you name it…and anyway it will make a great story when you’re dead…”He was fine when he come back from the match but the next day he was jed! The Flu got him day it!…great match”. But it ain’t looking good for this competition lads. They are going to either postpone it or cancel it. Bollocks. 

But listen…we all know somebody who works in the NHS. This is their time. They will be working until they drop trying to help people who need their help in these insane days. Do your best to help them and follow the advice of the experts. Keep yourself free of this horrible Virus for as long as you can. Make sure the Old gits are good and have everything they need. Stay in contact with people you know and trust. If we get to Gdansk lets make sure we are all there yeah? 

Netos great ay he?


YamYam Radio Episode 34


Who are all these strange people at away matches? How did they get tickets? Cutrone the player who’s song was better than him, The Norwich Match, the Espanyol home game, the away game, the Tottenham game. I say we should sell Doherty trying to be controversial and failing miserably. You know the score. It’s not safe for work as the language is very colourful and we don’t speak English to be honest. Sound levels all over the place, dogs, washing machines, it’s a total disgrace hahahahahahaha