Veni Vidi Vici

Welcome To Electric Nunoland

Conor Coady gets a shove off a Torino body early on. The little passive aggressive push to the chest is puerile and Coady knows it too. I like to think Coady tells this angry little twat to ‘Fuck off’ but I know Coady is wise to this. It’s the first few minutes of the game. It is angular in it’s passionate pre game aggravations. Torino looks scared straight away and when an Italian is scared, he gets feisty. A few minutes later Zaza who looks like a really budget Genie clatters Rui. Patricio doesn’t care either. I wonder if this is the way Torino players fuck, by dinking their loved one in the chin first. 

‘Orite bab (SMACK) get ya knickers off’

I don’t know, but it’s funny to think about it. There are many Wolves fans in attendance. I know for many it will be a minor thing to spunk out a grand or so on a match, for some less financially salubrious then the credit card will get whacked and a few weekends at work are on the cards for sure. But despite their relative cash issues they all look beautiful. Noisy too. You can hear them rising up through the Torino noise gurgling through the laptop speaker. The Italian commentator keeps calling Coady ‘Coddeye’ which is making me cough.

This is the last but one of the Play Offs for the Europa League group stages. I remember telling Ian Winters of the BBC that ‘We will be playing European football in three years and we will win it too’ and how he laughed. So did I, but not about the comment, more about how the fuck did we get into this position? I had a dream the other night about Bennett at Bristol City, that header, being soaked in beer, having a little knobhead in a duffel coat front me outside and me laughing my tits off at him, then he stole my false leg….sorry I’m waffling.

Torino are definitely crotchety here. There are a few elbowy moves, a bit late a bit chewy to be honest. But isn’t that a part of Italian football where it’s all a bit macho and man-weird? Jota keeps tangling with them in midfield as he drops back. Torino have watched the Manchester United match the other night so that’s their idea, loon around with the angles of elbow knee and ankle, tangling and getting enmeshed, close and personal with the Wolves. There isn’t a Gnats fart of a second to try and do anything with this ball and play at the moment. So we are knocking it about a bit quite happy to play football without a ball as we push and move Torino around the field however we like. You can see this with Dendoncker where he is pushing and pulling players from positions and then erupting into dangerous and now closed off space for a possible Torino through ball and a chance. But our idea is now slowly coming to the fore in dribs and drabs, slowly of course but we warm up and the ‘habit’ of dinking the ball around is becoming familiar again and everything seems to be settling down.

Coady or Saiss, I can’t tell, has just gone through Belotti who looks like he just fell through a factory roof. That’s a bit of an answer to your earlier bollock mate. Don’t give it out if you can’t take it back ay it. Old school shit that was. Belotti looked like he had been sucked into the ground by a giant Earthworm. 

Vinagre (who has started) is throwing shapes down the edge. Crosses are starting to boom in now but there’s nobody there yet, Vinagre is rapid. He shifts and often (like Adama last season) nobody is home. All of a sudden Traore offloads to Jota in the area. Shot. Nothing in it but Adama just fucking walked through their defence like they were small kids at a Wolves Trust kickaround in a Primary school. That bodes well. The Italians are moaning at each other as they walk upfield for a goal kick. Man they ay half moaning, one is spitting as he talks, the animal. So Traore finds this such an agreeable thing, this static childish defence that he fancies doing some dancing around the place which he does to great aplomb. He’s loving it mate. They regain the ball and Coady says ‘oi’ and whips it away to somebody in a Gold shirt. Coady looks like he has played European Football all his life. Immense…in fact I’ve written ‘Immense’ in my notes. Saiss is deep sitting just in front of Coady. As I watch Saiss for the first time in ten minutes he goes through somebody again. Get’s up like it’s the other blokes fault, the one writhing around because of some Saiss love. Saiss is having a right moan i’m crying with laughter. I think Saiss might be my number 2 player after Coady. 

But Torino bounce one off our crossbar. Fucking hell. Close. I stop laughing now, I’m so deranged that I suspect our team is going to walk this match. I’m forgetting about the hard work and the adding to skillsets, the whole Nuno idea, the fucking hard work. Torino are a handy team. I am denigrating them for sure, but they are floating some balls around. Was it Belottis header? The Cameraman is following him as he walks back. The dude hasn’t got much of a neck, I wonder if it got pushed in by the header? Not Craig Bellamy levels but fucking hell. Weird. No neck man.

We have a Free kick and it floats over and I think Donk connects, wide anyway but accurate stuff from Wolves here. Dangerous at set pieces for sure. Practice practice. Coady intercepts a pass again in our box. He’s so alive to threats it’s mad, he’s right there. Zaza the shit Genie seems to be quietly floating into the box behind everybody the sneaky little git. We don’t seem to be picking him up and he goes straight in to contest a header with Willy Boly, which is stupid really. You need ropes and oxygen to climb Mount Boly the highest mountain in Torino Land at this present time. So Boly crashes through Belotti and the poor bastard is again eating the Turin turf and wondering what he did to Wolves in a previous life. We are breaking fast when we have the ball. I don’t think Torino will have an answer to this in the second half. The Torino players are sweating profusely and on our side only Jota and Adama look like they have got a shine on. Genie Zaza kazaams the ball over the bar, a header, then Saiss loses Belotti and another chance. It’s ping pong time, it bounces off everybody and the ball is being punted everywhere. Rui looks like he’s playing Professional Whack-a-Mole. But ball away and we are moving up, a great Golden flood upfield. Moutinho goes to collect a high ball, he knows he has a Torino head behind him, he knows this dudes arms are also going to be flapping around his neck. Moutinho knows he shouldn’t try too hard to stay upright either and the foul is given. Joao picks himself up and he’s looking, watching already see who moves where and why. He’s fucking forensic. Corner, Moutinho walks over to take it and we have bodies in there ready. Ball in Saiss rises, goal. Fucking hell. I’m giving that Saiss regardless of this own goal bollocks. Saissy you fucking beauty. Traore is booted in the face at start of play. It’s a bit weird this bit because I’m shell shocked. I’ve realised I’ve just watched Wolves take the lead in a European match against a top Italian side. Then I feel a bit shit thinking about the people we’ve lost who would have loved this, then I laugh again because, well, it’s what you have to do. Ref blows for half time and I go to put the kettle on. 

Yorkshire Tea is the omnly good thing to come out of Yorkshire. Maybe KitKats too. Immediately Coady is put under pressure by a Boly badly weighted pass and a Torino player is on it like a Goth in a Vape shop. Adama is off again into Roadrunner territory, ‘Beep Beep’ cross in, Saiss is there but well over. I remark to the Dog that it’s end to end stuff and he pricks his ears up and then goes back to sleep. Their Goalie has the ball and Jota and Jimmy are both aggravating him. They really want that ball, they are so hungry it’s scary.

The Camera pans to Mazzarri who is getting really irate, his tie is flying around like a limp dick at an orgy, camera pans to Nuno who is arms crossed watching, sublime on the surface as to let his passion out would probably flatten the stadium. But Torino are moving now, trying new things out. Every time they press forward the Torino crowd raise their voices, exhorting and passionate but again in the gaps of the Torino narratives you can hear the Wolves fans going through the repertoire of songs we have. But Wolves break at the high point of some mad Torino song and Adama shuts them up, he’s gone, his electricity soaks up the power of the Torino voices leaving them dumb and silent as he cuts back the ball to Jota. 2-0 mate. Fucking easy. Adama smashed a hole straight through them, balanced poise like Bruce Lee he Shaolin grooves his way to the byline and boom, Jota waiting, no mistake. Jota is an Assassin. No way could Torino do anything with that. I’m still laughing at Mazzarri moaning after the goal when here we go. Cross in and that crap Genie Zaza I think bullet headers it right past Rui who had no fucking chance to be fair. OK 2-1 to us. That’s cool even if it is the most horrible score in the world to try and defend. So the tune isn’t all about Wolves is it? Torino also have things to say. We’ve played a lot more games than they have so far this season and we are getting into the groove quite happily thank you. Torino and Wolves are doing end to end stuff here, it’s brilliant football from both sides, this is what it’s all about mate, didn’t I say that? I don’t remember myself, but I do remember the ball boys at Barnsley farting around getting the ball into play for some weird advantage. Now we are in Italy playing a great team, it’s insane mate.

Torino are bringing a sub on, his name in the glitchy pixels on screen look like ‘Ringworm’ so that’s his name from now on. I think Adama comes off and Jonny is on now. Nuno consolidating the defence. He doesn’t want any drama now. Torino have shape, Coady again flicking the ball away from a Torino foot in the box. Coady is immense…I think I’ve already said that. Boly too. Everything he goes in for he wins….most the time.

Jimmy is onto the goalie, one on one, didn’t see where that came from but Jimmy swaps feet and the chance is gone. That would have finished the Italians off for sure. Pedro is on for Jota. Good shift by Diogo. But Jimmy still has things to say so he takes off towards goal when most of the Torino team are getting feisty up the front. Jimmy is off on his travels with four Torino fellow travellers that watch as Jimmy jinks the ball from side to side, even with the ball he is outstripping the Torino quartet. This time Jimmy doesn’t fart around and slides the ball past the Torino goalie. 3-1 mate. Best in the world he comes from Mexico.

I’d love to say Torino gave up but watching Saiss now get all tangly with Torino necks is definitely a thing. Torino don’t care, they push on and have heart. I would have expected them to give up but their new bloke Aina is getting in everybodies faces in front of our box. Little dinked balls from them that get past our defenders, a few errant feet. Vinagre chasing and nibbling at one and he’s over in the box. The Referee is looking noncommittal at first then points to the spot. Fuck off. Rui will save it but doesn’t but he is bloody close and aggravates himself that he was a finger away from it.

I will be honest with you, this European football is hard for me to get my head around at the moment. Hard because it’s a whole footballing world I never really expected Wolves to be playing in. I’m still stuck in fourth division grounds with a thousand other people watching us get dicked by plumbers and Plasterers. I haven’t caught up yet and I don’t think I will. I think if I had gone to Turin I would have had a nervous breakdown at least. So they will come down here then to try and get a result and in the meantime we have the Sherpa Gollums from Burnley to sort out. I bet Wolves feel like a one armed paper hanger at the moment. I’m knackered from just writing about them.

Wolves bless your hearts and thank you for beautiful football again.