Wolves V FC Slightly Radioactive Flag Stealing Body Organ Thieves



Oh what a golden display that was! How crisp, how tasty! I was amazed. I will be honest…hang on. I’m on about the pre game bag of chips and a Chicken and Mushroom Pukka pie from Chapel Ash Chippy. I’ve got skills too you know. Busting a small hole in the top of the bag so I can get the chips out while negotiating the hundred yards to the West Park, a comfy bench, a few Squirrels, a woman Rollerblading around. We sit and wax about the coming match in those hot chip words which go “roffleboggaJotabuhNunobaaargle”.

Well…that was certainly a display any way…”It was a third division side, of course we beat ’em and another thing….”. So the story goes on from the mouth of this doughnut inflicting his football knowledge on me. I remember teams like Arsenal and Chelsea, Manchester United too coming back from the radioactive wastes of some East European shithole having a 1-0 defeat to try and come to terms with. It’s not easy man, these games aren’t the walk over we expect them to be and as much as people can wax about FC Flagstealingbastards being a bunch of fools well, you have to get out there and win it anyway.

I’m in the Southbank for the first time this season as Upside Down Brett had managed to navigate the Wolves website to get my tickets. My effort to get hold of a ticket nearly made me throw the Laptop through the window until I remembered, it’s not my Laptop. But here we are, saying hello to people I haven’t seen in a while. A dude a few rows in front of me is ramming a dog burger in his face as fast as he can, there are bits of it on his face the fucking animal. Someone is eating a bag of Pork Scratchings which smell like farts. Somebody smells of farts, farting, belching. I have Mr Coach a few seats away waxing about how he would have picked the team and all the bollocks that go along with empty kettles making the loudest noises. I wish he would shut up though. I’ve got a headache again and that Pukka pie was supreme. Check out the Chippy next to Bellas in Chapel Ash. Badman chips.

But it’s been a tough physical week or two for Wolves, in fact it’s been a bit full on since winning the Asia Cup. We ay had five minutes, it’s all guns blazing, all hands on deck kind of stuff where all the Wolves staff have had to sort a myriad of jobs out so that the lads can just play football. We all expected (I think) the new lads to have a run out. So four debuts at Molineux are laid out in front of us to peruse and talk about afterwards. Jesus Vallejo, Paddy Cutrone, Pedro Neto and Max Kilman. The fab four. I mean I was bloody impressed to be honest, regardless of the the fact they were playing a team with the early signs of radioactive sickness. Jesus slotted into the berth where Benno usually does his bit and I’m going to talk about each of them individually and what I saw them do…

Vallejo yes. At one point he was in a bit of a knee trembler with a Kidney trafficker and the ball goes loose. A Flagstealer is ready to collect and here comes Jesus boinging along like a Scud missile and takes the ball straight off his foot. The slightly radioactive FC Pubic player goes down dramatically and Jesus gets a card but hey. There is an element coming on here that I waxed about last week. Something hard and narky has come into the team in the close season. An edge of something that I think is us becoming a little bit nasty…no not nasty, I mean the team look like they are hungry or angry…hangry? Fuck knows. All I know is that all of a sudden Jesus is something else. I know it’s first match nerves and all that crap but Jesus soon settles down and is soon pinging a few balls around and into midfield. He punts a few to Moutinho who is beautiful and refined in contrast to Jesus who is a lot edgier. But you can see why Vallejo is in the spotlight. His delivery of the ball to feet is accurate and fine and he plays steeze style too off the edge of the foot (with both feet) so it’s almost like watching Crown green bowling when he does poke a pass here and there. It’s almost like he has fitted into the squad like he grew there to be honest. Now can we talk about what a skilled operator he is to fit in so well? Nah, because Vallejo is an accomplished albeit raw item at the moment. But he understands the rythym and the movement straight away. Because this side is the one he was born to play with. It’s shapey football with jobs and tasks that are rehearsed and practiced. Jesus fits in perfectly because that’s what he’s supposed to do. But Vallejo also brings something else, a hard edge, a bit of nasty. I watch him for ten-fifteen minutes even in the off the ball moments. Coady of course has him under the wing and is chiding him here and there for movement and place. Coady waves him back and Coady waves him into position. Coady shout directions at him and God knows what Jesus thinks of this…well I know what he does. He does everything Coady wants because Coady knows, Coady is the Gaffer. Jesus is going to be an absolute addition to this team, I don’t doubt it at all. You can see underneath those first night nerves that there is a trust being built up between him and the team and I think Jesus understands everything demanded of him.

Pedro Neto. What a fucking beautiful lunatic he is! I mean he’s not a big lad and when the ball is getting flung around the giants of the team there I suspected his voice might get lost in the cacophony of beautiful football being played but no. It was completely different because here was a lad, our number 7, who wanted to be part of everything. He was the Jack Russell terrier of the team. Always having a nibble on the players of FC Pubic who looked like extras off the film ‘Hostel’. Pedro was popping up everywhere mate. First over there, now over here, there too, bobbling along at break neck pace to have a nibble for a lost ball or aggravate a radioactive Pubic player. He had that Jonny thing going on too where a subtle hand in the back a slight touch would make the player hesitate or have half a mind on Pedro. Again the skillset was apparent from the off. A mishit high pass from a semi clearance or tackle and the ball was hard to control. So a slight touch off the knee to kill the momentum, then to feet, move it forward a few yards, get it rolling while he looked for available players then it was either run into space taking a few players on, or ping, the ball was off and an attack was on. Amazing. I don’t know whether he will have that much time when he is playing against Premier League players (yet) but I would stick him in the mixer for a few games. Pedro doesn’t give a shit mate, he was climbing over everybody to get the ball. Is he a left footer? Everything seemed to be magical off the left foot for sure and he kept squirrelling these hard to nick balls across the midfield and at time the 25 yard box too. He reminds me of Vinagre to be honest who in this match I think started to realise that he is a fucking star bar in his own right. There is a confidence in him this season for sure. I think he has learned loads last season and is coming on very very strong. I can see him and Pedro having some sort of telepathic thing going on.

Max Kilman. Indeed. He comes from a Futsal background and I will be honest and say I didn’t know what the fuck that was until last year. So I watched a few games and it was weird but enjoyable. He comes with a resume of close control and quick feet. Instant attacking stuff as you do. He’s a massive lad in the Dendoncker range of heights but man this dudes feet are quick considering the amount of time it must take for those orders to come from the brain straight to the feet. He moves well in spite of his height. Where Donk rarely moves his upper body when playing Kilman is lithe and responsive to changes of direction using his whole body to shift those legs and feet. He’s off into space waiting to collect, or to shield an opposition player from a pass. His defensive thought and skillset are there for sure. I mean, I watch him after watching Pedro and Jesus. It’s ok man, I’m quite happy with him too especially after seeing him constantly wanting to take the ball out of midfield on his own feet. At some points he is taking two or three players with him and then laying off the ball to Traore or Moutinho leaving at least two FC Pubic radioactive flag stealing bastards wandering around squeezing their balls.

What of Cutrone? A start at last, and in front of the Molineux faithful. No goals for him yet but the effort? He’s a lad that wants to do well and there is going to be an element of bedding in for sure not only for him but for the team too. They of course have to suss out how Paddy Cutrone likes his lamb chops cooked. Balls can come from anywhere and any how and I think once the team have learned how he wants it this lad is going to start banging goals in for fun like Raul. But heres a thing of beauty, a point where I nearly went home and said fuck it, I will never see anything like that again…probably. Was it goal number three? Jesus absolutley wafts a ball over Paddys shoulder and Paddy is already half moving knowing it’s coming…and don’t ask me how he did it but Cutrone kills that ball fucking dead mate. I didn’t even see him trap it, it just seemed to roll to a stop by his feet, Cutrone moves controls, looks up, Pedro pops up, pass across the box and it’s there mate, back of the net.

I’m glad I was sober and clear minded. Is it too early to have that kind of beauty slathering our poor minds as the sun sets behind the Billy Quiet? It’s always this beauty that instills a kind of sense in me that fucking hell, any more lovely football like this and I’m going to stop watching it. I can’t handle it. Football at Wolves always used to be about having a big pair of bollocks and hoping that despite the fact we are shit, if one of our old players, or two or three could just play with some of the passion we felt then maybe…just maybe we could get a result against a side better than us. Now of course we are the brillaint side and to be honest I’m loving it more than ever but I still can’t believe it. I wish I was one of the ‘Newfans’ who have a bit of football knowledge but not a lot. They are more accepting because they have forgotten the last time they went to Molineux or probably have never been to Molineux at all except to watch their ‘old team’ Chelsea or Manchester United. How do I know this? I’ve seen them and know them. I watched them posting photos of their new Chelsea strips on their Social Media accounts a few years ago. Now they have Wolves shirts and I laugh out fucking loud mate and don’t care. Pour your money into our club now. Better than the other teams mate, but I know you and I’m watching you too.

Fair enough the whole game was against a bunch of flag stealing Organ thieves with radioactive sickness and Jotas overhead kick was a delight and a show of steeze on par with anything I’ve seen from the ‘big’ stars at other clubs but I don’t care man. I love to see us beat teams. Next up are some Spaghetti Gollums from Italy. A tasty side of Euro knobheads for sure, it will be tough, but this game was where we were introduced to the next chapter of madness from the Nuno library. Are we impressed? I was.
I don’t know how much we have spent for sure. Propbably a lot. The chips from the Chapel Ash chippy were expensive for sure but probably the tastiest and best chips in Wolverhampton, no shit. Whatever….Manure on Monday. Olly and his fucking wheels, class of 92 all that bollocks. Can’t wait mate.


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