Just Having Ten Minutes


Put your coat on over ya Xmas jumper. You’ve got new socks on. They are fluffy. Your head feels a bit weird. Posh alcohol your body doesn’t know how to deal with. On the way out the house put your hand in the Quality street tin and fill your pockets with those little sparkly delights. Then off down South to the ravaged land of London. There is a team there, we know a few of them. Millwall. Jesus Christ, I’m not going.

I have to pick and choose matches and I haven’t picked this one. Why? It’s a pain in the dick isn’t it? I feel like Ipswich was again one of those games where we didn’t get out of low gear. Of course if we had lost the match there would be fumes but we didn’t look like losing it did we? I think Nuno put the brakes on the team and the whole spectacle was one of ‘that’ll do’ and ‘just stick some stuff over it, nobody will see it’. Of course it was all tactical. Nuno won’t want to really throw the art shapes at a team like Yampy Micks. There’s no point, it would just end up in one massive circle jerk. Ipswich got what they deserved, which wasn’t a master class by any means but a sliver of what is to come.

I’m listening to the radio today and have a glass of whisky by the side of me and access to various foodstuffs within reach. What is a Millwall? It’s a very angry thing isn’t it? I don’t quite understand their angst and to be honest I don’t care either. Saville again today, he runs like he’s got curlers in the hairs of his arse crack. I’m glad to see the back of him to be honest and glad that he’s playing ‘down there’. There’s nothing worse than a player who fails to ignite your own team then we sell him to another and….oh he’s a bit shit there too. Plus I actually forgot who Jed Wallace was, I had to go on Twitter and ask. That was after seeing his name on the Millwall web site and it not even registering that he played for us. Wallace will be huffing those 30 yard pokes at goal today probably and Saville will be puffing around in midfield doing what he does best which is puffing around in midfield. But my days, what a difference in our team now compared to back in the day when Wallace was supposed to be the second coming. I’ve waxed about it earlier in the season so I’m not going to chat about it now apart from say…Jed Wallace runs like he’s forgot to turn the gas off in his burger van and the Plymouth fans who were hanging off his dong when he signed for us can really honestly do one. Man I was excited at the time. Even Kenny Jackett looked like some emotion was bubbling away but it was probably wind and when he tripped up in the dugout it probably came out and he wondered what the fuck he had done. Jed fucking Wallace. That’s him.

Millwall is probably the place for both of them as they now sidle away the money from football, investing maybe, looking at the new Ford Transit they are going to buy for when they are both plasterers again. But my team. Are we in the zone? The Southbank was quiet and I intimated it was an intake of breath before the final push. We don’t look jaded. Watching Cavaleiro against Ipswich was a thing of beauty. I loved it. He’s just behind Conor Coady in the SBR love in poll. I know Neves and Jota are a thing and I love them, but the progression of Coady and probably Cav too has given me joy and pleasure. I think, truly that Nuno has put the brakes on for certain matches. He knows we can do teams like this every week. The lack of imagination from visiting Managers makes the whole Wolves V Ipswich/Millwall/Cardiff etc etc not a fixture where you want our Jota and our Neves to stretch themselves. A clean sheet, a moment of brilliance then let the whole event run down through the 90 minutes as we soak pressure, deal with hoofballs and the odd off the ball elbow in the throat.

Nuno I suspect is holding these players back. Perhaps his intelligence gathering in the close season has paid off. No need to slather the Hugo Boss suit on for a night of bingo down the Royal Legion is there? Throw on a fresh Tshirt, jeans, comfy trainers. No need for slickness against teams like this and your aftershave is £50 for a spit full of smelly in a funky bottle. Do you want to waste it on Piss ya pants Phil down the Legion? His sense of smell stopped when he was hit on the head by a scaffold plank when he was 23. I’d like to say Doherty too has kind of kicked down a gear or two. Whether this is down to tactics or whether he is having a few weeks off I’m not sure. Our attack comes from the back always. I’ve noticed Boly getting forward a lot more until Coady bollocks him a bit, I think that’s a meme that runs through all of the Wolves team at the minute. They want to attack, they want to stretch those passes around and it’s only the Will of Nuno that’s holding them back. He understands I think that the whole Championshit season is built on gobbling up the points and at the same time trying to keep expectation and desire under wraps while conserving not energy (I think ‘energy’ is something we have in abundance) but excitement. I think this team just wants to attack constantly. They aren’t happy unless they are all swinging their way up the pitch waxing those balls around in intense 30-40 yard passes.

Costa will make an appearance today too. He’s been on a slow fizzle that dude. Watching him over the last few games has given me a lil tingle. He looks like he’s ready to start twisting up those mans on the by-line again. At Wednesday his cameo left three Wednesday players face down in the grass wondering whether they should have gone into Uncle Nobbys scrap metal business instead of football. He’s fizzling just at the right moment. Part Two of the season and I bet any money on it, will be the Costa show. Bonatini will be rested a little. He’s done a brilliant job and deserves five minutes to be honest. Keeping these players fresh will be tantamount in Nunos mind. Not only physically fresh, but as Nuno develops their brains as well as here abilities he is shaping them. These little drops onto the bench will not be done willy nilly without thought. I bet Nuno and his bredrins will have sat down and worked out every last detail in every mach to come. They aren’t fools this lot. Dropping a player won’t be due to angst or some passive aggressive needle, it will be part of the plan for sure.

But as is the way the baby Jesus treats us Millwall are having a go aren’t they? One nil down and Saiss is getting nibbled by all sorts of madness. He must have the wind too as Wallace and Saville are running things by all accounts. Of course ex Wolves players doing things they never did here is a common thing. Like a scab you keep picking. It keeps happening. Our Xmas Hangover headline memes are looming.

Costa slips past Millwall and puts a shot right on the keeper. It’s positive is it not. Millwall have given us the love eye a bit. Radio saying Costa should have wankered the thing instead of brushing it. I don’t know man, I’m making up pictures in my head as I listen and type. We will stretch this Millwall team out a bit in the second half. They will be fucked. We need to up the gears a bit. Chances are just dances my friends. That ball has to go in the net. Costa blazes over from 20 yards. We will win this I’m sure.

But chances have been all over the place in every game I think. Lost chances in a game where we won but the scoreline could have been more luxuriant. I’m dipping a biscuit in my coffee and everything does seem laid back in my mind at least. There has to be games where the other team have a pop. They are human too I suppose even though Wallace and Saville can’t really step up to that plate.

Mclaughlin nearly kills Douglas in a shite tackle. The Dutch dude on the radio is going mad about it. How many times though? We’re always targets especially for players whose names sound like someone being sick. He’s in the book any way. Maybe he will keep his clod hoppers to himself now, give Saiss some room maybe.

As soon as I type his name Saiss boots a Millwall player into 2014. Good work brother. Show them that you too can give a little loving back. Total enforcer. I’ve noticed everytime an opposition player goes through one of our team Saiss turns up to set the record straight. He’s the big brother that saves you from the scrotes.

Ruddy hoofs a low ball up front to Jota and Jota cuts back to Costa but blah. Millwalls haircuts are harsh council like things aren’t they. My mate Charlie has sorted me a stream out. Cav back battling a Millwall cross. I mean I know I love my team but we do look so much better than Millwall at the moment for sure. But Wallace has done more running in this last ten minutes than I ever saw him do at Molineux.

JOTA!!!! Thank fuck for that. Lovely movement, slick and sexual, stroking, candlelight football. Furry rug in front of the fire football. I’m in an open top car driving down the Californian coast. She is next to me smiling. She has great teeth. The car is a Ferrari Jota. Oooh she’s just put her hand on my thigh and laughed…

Oh my days.

Coady is being Coady again by being fucking brilliant. He just lets people foul him looking for the free kick but he always has a toe in the grass so in case the Ref doesn’t blow he’s up again and harrying their attack. Brilliant. Love him to bits. I should write a Coady Part 2 thing. It’s halftime and I’ve eaten two slices of Turkey, a fondant fancy, three strawberry cream chocolates, a Beef scotch egg and drank a coffee with brandy in it and a brandy with no coffee in it, another fondant fancy and a Walnut. The dogs are farting loudly and it stinks. Everytime I eat something one of them Turkey farts right underneath me and then slink off like it was me that did it. It smells like Savilles trim which is fully whack, he looks total speng. Dog fart haircut mate. I wonder what you and your mate Jedward are going to do in the second half. He looked knackered to be honest. These dudes we get rid of from our club are good for 20 minutes or so that’s it. I bet Nuno is whispering his magic words to our players.We kick towards our fans next half. That means we can suck the ball into the net with our belief too. How can a player not run for Nuno until he’s coughing his heart and lungs up?

Cav has taken a whack so I guess Bonatini will come on next to score the winner. He’s bound to have a bit of ooomph in him now. A bit of that fuel you get when you’ve been dropped to the bench maybe? He might score two, it’s overdue. I love Bonatini too, January will see some flash striker arrive but I think Bonatini will be a face in the next few months.

SAISS!!! From range! The laptop went up, I’ve spilled something on me leg. The dogs are barking. It’s all gone tits up! Hahahahahaha bless his little heart. Enforcer/Saviour maybe? This will take the wind out of Millwalls shriveled little chests. Quality and brilliance. Chances taken. Costa having his fizzle poured on his dizzle in spades. I told you he was just warming up. Another year on this lads head and he’s stellar. Absolute Universe. And at last one of those worldie shots goes in too. This is the point where I’m hugging Horace and shouting in his face but I’m damp with hot tea and for some reason there’s a cocktail sausage stuck to me arse. Millwall. Wolves. Boxing day. Saiss thirty yard wonder goal. My nipples are hard. Fat rosey cheeked women in scarves, winter walks along the canal, channeling Bill Hicks. Oh Mar Days.

Big Willy off-Miranda on. Looks like Bolys hamstring. Maybe it’s a little tight? I hope so. Miranda is a thing, maybe just what we need here too. He’s a lot more flexible and like moving around. I don’t know. Do a job son, don’t let them in. Get well soon Willy.

Spell of Millwallness here. Yes, they’ve scored. 2-2. Is it going to be one of those days? Balance upset? I’m not sure. It’s Xmas for them for sure. Playing and moving. Do we need a bit of madness a bit of Brighty? We don’t look very sharp here when really we should be hanging out the back of these freaks. Couple of mistimed passes. A cross that stretches the description…

But then again we are having a sunset moment here. Good crosses, a few decent passes into space but it looks angsty still. Maybe we are half a yard short.Millwall have upped the pace and a few balls are going skywards again. Ping pong ball a bit. All heads and falling over. The eighty year old grey haired bloke who plays for them is doing some running. Quite fast for an old’un. I love the way big Alf wants to get forward, I don’t understand why Costa is off but I’m not Nuno so I remain in ignorance about that.

So yeah Millwall. That was weird wasn’t it? But then again maybe all these fixtures against these types of team are weird. I’ll take a draw. It’s cold, you’re in London, you’re playing against Jed and Sav and company. It’s bound to take a mental toll on your abilities and fuck me even a Wizard like Nuno has to be content with that. Millwall are the team that exists even when you stop believing in them and I think this fixture will be one we don’t want to see repeated too soon. It was Farmfoods football that makes you scour the inside of your mind for a reason. I don’t want to say ‘Onward’ because everybody says that but I will say ‘Ay’ and that’s all I’ve got to say. This game was just having ten minutes to look around a bit. Get ya breath back.

7 thoughts on “Just Having Ten Minutes

  1. And a little postlude to your writing…the warlock got done in again. We play to a miserable draw and we increase the lead at the top of the table; it’s just one of those years Mr P., the likes of which most of use ain’t seen in a while.

  2. In years gone by we’d of blown a game like this. A touch of restraint will be needed in quite a few more games now we head for the finish line. One point gained, rather than 2 points lost….unbeaten in 10?

  3. I live in London so my enjoyment of Wolves games is generally limited to away games and TV. That said, a theme in recent weeks has been the thuggish treatment we’ve been on the end of, Jota in particular. It strikes me as he constantly tries to avoid serious injury that a constant stream of yellow cards doesn’t seem to be a proportional deterrent – they get wrap across the knuckles, Jota gets a knackered ACL or broken ankle.
    Not sure what the answer is but Championship refereeing doesn’t seem to be set up for dealing with the kind of beauty that Nuno and co are creating.
    Merry Christmas Michael. Still enjoying your writing.

  4. Don’t like to be picky, but Plymouth fans didn’t give a toss about Jed Wallace, whereas Portsmouth fans thought the sun shone out of his metaphorical……
    Otherwise, excellent as ever.