Yes. We know you hate Wolverhampton Wanderers. We see you sitting or standing on the bottom of the Steve Bull stand. Sometimes you are gripping your mate tight as your angst blows over and a Steward has to tell you to behave. You could be at home looking at your phone and somebody has shared a Wolves goal on Social Media or Wolves have been linked with another sexy expensive player. You look at their beautiful Latin face and that perfect white smile and a name that just oozes lovely football. Your heart begins to pump harder, you start to sweat a little, your eyes start to bulge and you start to swear and rage. You shout or mutter ‘fnnnkin Wolves’ or ‘Fnnnkin Yamyam bsstards’ , Fukkknnnn Dingles’ or ‘fffnnnkin FFP’…you may even start ‘supporting’ your local rivals when they play us…
This is Wolves rage. That terrible illness that incapacitates many football fans in England and is linked to other terrible illnesses such as ‘Testicle punching’, impotence and Insomnia. It’s also been linked to the posting of unfunny Gifs and blocking accounts through social media fume. Here at Southbank Resistance Castle we take fan fume very seriously and try to help whenever we can by trying not to laugh and bringing this terrible affliction to the wider public.
Fortunately Southbank Resistance is here to help with a handy ‘print out’ to keep on your person in case somebody does mention Wolverhampton Wanderers or you see something on Social Media about Wolves. Please if you are often afflicted with Wolves Rage laminate the above card and keep it on your person at all times. I was thinking of a wrist band like a blood type thing but I don’t care that much. But anyway here’s your handy guide you poor bastards.
Stop talking about Wolves. One of the best ways to calm down if you’re already feeling stressed is to stop interacting with any conversation to do with FFP, Nuno, promotion, PornBall or Portugal, if possible. Sometimes, even taking a few seconds before you head back to Twitter can be enough to help you cool down. Try counting to ten, or taking 3-5 deep breaths, before you reply in a heated conversation or situation. Take a break. For example, if an argument with a Wolves fan is getting heated, stop and excuse yourself for a moment by saying something like, “I’m feeling a little overwhelmed right now. I need to take a 15-minute break before we continue discussing this.”
Go to a different place, focus on breathing deeply, and recite a calming mantra, such as “I can handle this calmly. I can do this.” or “They are only great because some Chinese conglomerate has given them loads of money”. You see in the future you will see and hear much more of Wolves because we are brilliant. Now this will cause a few problems such as teeth marks in your steering wheel, you will stop watching football all together or you will start to abuse hard drugs, or even yourself.
‘Rage wanking’ is a number one killer of football fans on social media and nothing has been done to stop this awful syndrome. The EFL have been trying their best by ignoring Wolves for years but soon will HAVE to start reporting from Molineux. This means every hour of Sky Sports news will have something about Wolves on it. I went to speak to the Patron of the RageWank charity Gary Lineker but he was on holiday or something.
Focus on your team. When we’re stressed, sometimes our bodies interpret the stress as an attack and kick us into “fight or flight mode.” This stimulates the release of hormones like adrenaline, which constrict your blood vessels, make your breathing rapid and shallow, make you post unamusing poorly researched GIFs and photos, fill your tweets with spelling mistakes and boost your heart rate. Over time, this panic response can also lead to replacing letters in a teams name with numbers from historical scorelines. This will become a habit for your brain in what’s known as “automatic rage reactivity.” and you will notice you will have numerous vocal outbursts like “Buying the fucking league” etc.
Slowing down and focusing on the individual physical responses you’re experiencing can help you learn to identify what it feels like when you’re afflicted with Wolves rage. Studies also show that this conscious process of noticing what’s going on in your body can help retrain your brain’s automatic habits. We know your team has all the imagination of a breezeblock and the technical nous of a leaf blower. But be positive. Try not to compare your team with Wolves. I can’t be done, it’s like trying to learn about quantum mechanics. It’s practically impossible.
Notice each thing that is going on in your body, but try to avoid judging it. For example, if you’re worried about Wolves being linked with another Mendes player worth 20 million squid, you might notice to yourself, “My face feels hot and flushed. My heart is beating very fast. My palms feel sweaty. I feel nauseated. I want to chew my fingers off, I want to punch myself in the balls” Try to keep your noticing these things as neutral as possible.
Take some deep breaths. When your body enters “fight or flight mode,” your sympathetic nervous system can seriously mess with your breathing. You may find it difficult to breathe when you’re stressed, but it’s important to focus on taking some long, even breaths. This will restore oxygen to your body and decrease lactate in your bloodstream, making you feel more calm and relaxed.
- You’ll probably notice that when Wolves win a game or they are linked with another player your breathing seems to come from the very top of your chest, even your throat. Aim to breathe from your diaphragm instead. Place one hand on your lower abdomen just below your ribs and one on your chest. Try to meditate on the Wolves head graphic so you can accustom yourself to seeing it without singing about your town and punching yourself in the balls.
- Inhale slowly through your nose. Aim to breathe in for a 4-count if you can. You should feel your belly expand along with your chest as you inhale: this is diaphragmatic breathing. I know there are some big words here but don’t be afraid. Diaphramatic means ‘ur belly top’.
- Hold the breath for 1-2 seconds. Then, slowly exhale through your nose or mouth. Aim to exhale for a 4-count if you can. Repeat this process 6-10 times per minute for a few minutes. Concentrate on the Wolves head and feel at peace with their majesty and beauty.
- You may also find it helpful to recite a song from your own teams support while you breathe, or count your breaths to keep yourself from getting distracted.A mantra may be a syllable, such as “ohm,” or it may be a phrase, such as “fuck the Dingles” [while inhaling], “Buying the fucking league” [while exhaling].”
I hope these few pointers help you out a little but I don’t really give a shit. It’s just a way to fill a blog post before the game on Monday. But seriously Wolves rage can be a killer. I don’t want to see fans of Villa or Birmingham City killing themselves in massive fumes about the Wolves/FFP/Fosun. Keep sniffing the glue lads.
This series of helpful tips will not work for fans of West Bromwich Albion as for one not many of them can read so it’s pointless and anyway they have enough fume with their own depravity without dealing with Wolverhampton.